JimmieThoughts (A Barstool Sports Audition)

Sunday, June 17, 2018

It is 3 o'clock in the afternoon on Father's Day, and my wife has not thanked me on Facebook

Today I was awakened at 8:00am by my wife and kids (an additional 2 hours of sleep compared to a usual Sunday). I came downstairs to handmade gifts from 2 of my kids, I guess the 11 month old was too busy in the weeks leading up to Father's Day. My wife put together a beautiful collage of our kids holing up the letters D-A-D. 1/2 a dozen donuts were waiting for me, and the World Cup was playing on the TV.

Pretty nice start to my day, not much more a teenage Dad could ask for. Pretty tough to imagine anything keeping this day from becoming anything short of great.

Well, here we are. It is 3:08pm as I type this sentence. Just refreshed Facebook, nothing.

confused david letterman GIF

What kind of good for nothing husband must I be? 60 hour work weeks, add another 10 hours commuting back and forth and my wife has the gail to only thank me to my face.

To all the Father's out there who were acknowledged via social media, please count your blessings.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Perfect Dad Super Bowl Sunday

This year Super Bowl Sunday is going just perfect, and kickoff is still 3 hours away.

Below are the chronological sequence of events:

LeBron is upset...always a good way to start your day.

"They should take us off every nationally televised game for the rest of the season. We haven't played good ball and we get our b***s kicked every time we play on national television, so I'm at a loss for words."

Pretty messed up for a father of 3 to use the b-word just hours before the Sabbath.

Oldest daughter on the way to Sunday school with sports talk radio playing in the car... "I just don't like watching like, sporty sports."

That's my girl.

Spent 10 minutes in the chip aisle at the grocery store with around 8 other dads.

Not a word was exchanged. The mutual respect shared between us, in tandem with the understanding of the importance of the decisions being made there, was like something crafted in Hollywood.

TB12 lookin' like a gosh darn TREAT.

I have not been too gassy today.

Please understand, I am a guy who really enjoys my own farts. But with company coming over and my place being a pretty tight squeeze, this is just for the best.

All three kids went down for a nap.

The boy (who has been afflicted with middle child syndrome for over 7 months now) fought the good fight until the "I will have to cancel the super bowl party" card was finally played.

The wife has not stepped out of the kitchen for the better part of 2 hours.

The open floor plan has not discouraged mean words and looks coming my way as I stay planted on the couch, but this is par for the course.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Comedic Advice: Make Fun of Things That Apply to You

I created this blog not for followers, but to some day have enough posts to send to Dave Portnoy, Kmarko, PMT guys, etc.

I love sports, and I also like the idea of writing without many filters which is exactly what Barstool Sports is doing. This week, a blog got pulled after being published. This was a little surprising to me, but the founder himself cleared things up quite well. It was not funny. Our society loves to draw lines we are not supposed to cross, which makes crossing them that much sweeter.

Just look at this Kathy Griffin thing...when a comedian goes too far, they need other funny people to back them up. Why? Those comedians know the day they cross one of these lines is coming, and they need the same type of backup. Welp, Kathy Griffin sucks, so there you go. No point in helping her out, because her future endorsement for you means nothing, or worse then nothing honestly.

So here is my advice as someone who can get the guys at the office chuckling every so often...GO AFTER THE STUFF YOU YOURSELF CAN DEFEND. You can make fun of other people for the same things that can be said about you, and here are some examples:

My 1st blog (Go read that)

If I actually had followers on any social media platform and anyone read this, who knows, maybe a few people would have gotten offended.
Guess what? I was a sick kid, so I would dare anybody to come back at me for those outrageously hypothetical thoughts.

Pecker size

I have consistently established with my audiences that my pecker is nothing to write home about.
This opens up the world for me, I can make fun of any guy about anything and say he is probably compensating for something. Is that to enhance an image I have already created for myself? Nope. For goodness sake, I drive a fully loaded Chevy Spark.

Teenage parents

Parenting in general supplies quite the universe of comedic angles you can go, but the fact that I got the whole family thing started a week before graduating high school (with a cheerleader hahaha) gives me the range to go after it all.
Shout out to all the DEADBEATS on Teen Mom (terrible MTV show ICYMI) that have lifted me to teenage dad royalty.

Athletic inadequacy

I am pasty white and 150lbs before dropping a deuce.
"Hey world class athlete, way to miss that open dunk." I can say this because nobody will ever be able to come back with, "Well hey now, remember that time you misses a dunk you should have made?" Hahaha jokes on you, I got mono when I was able to dunk a tennis ball and never bounced back.

Monday, May 29, 2017

6 Reasons to (Let Go of the Past) and Embrace the 2017 PGA Tour

It honestly blows my mind. With all the exciting and young talent the game of golf currently has to offer, I still often hear this stupidity... you know something along the lines of "I am just not interested in golf without Tiger."

It is now time for those "fans" to finally make a choice: A) Move on and enjoy the young studs below or B) Watch bowling on ESPN from now on each Sunday.

Here are 6 reasons to pick choice A

Reason #1: Rickie Fowler